Dreams

I hadn’t dreamed of Cale since June 1st. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to share what this dream was, and what it meant to me. But I just know I will never forget it.

Two nights ago, I not only dreamed of him again, but I woke up feeling like he had just left the room. Just like it used to be, when he would kiss me goodbye while I was half awake early in the morning, before he would leave for work. It felt like he had just been with me all night.

I needed this dream, and I needed him. He knew it. My faith has been tested and tried over the past seven months. But there are things that I am sure of, and people that I know have been literal angels here for us during our worst days. I also know where Cale is, and that’s where I long to be.

I’ve had a couple of really dark months. They say grief is like waves, they come and they go. And lately, I’ve felt like I was drowning. I’ve also had days where I am able to catch my breath and see the light, too. These days were very few and far between as of lately. But, this week has felt like an awakening for me. I’ve been busy numbing and distracting myself for a while now. Through some pretty deep therapy sessions, I’ve been able to recognize what’s hurting and what’s helping. My daily focus right now is intention. Intentional in who I spend time with, what I am doing, and what really matters in my healing.

What hurts is my obvious loss. The greatest loss I could ever experience. But I’ve been hurt in other ways too recently, that feel like salt in my already fresh and scarring wound. It’s natural for me to want to be there for others, to help, and sometimes over-extend myself while forgetting that I don’t have much to give. I’m also an over-thinker, in the worst way. I’ve got lots of other flaws too, but these have been the fire and gasoline that have led to the deep, darkening days. I share this not because I want people to know, but because I know that I’m not alone in this. I’ve just really had to focus on my worth, who I am, and who I want to be. And the person I want to be, and who I want my kids to see, is the person who is kind, and loving, and gives ALWAYS. But someone who also knows their worth, and who never has to question that. This is one of the biggest things holding me back, but also helping me become who I need to be.

If there is anything I have learned over the past seven months, it’s that this can either break you- or transform you. There are days where that outcome feels like it’s wavering, but ultimately, I choose to be transformed. I want to become something bigger. I don’t want to live my life feeling broken. Cale would hate this for me, and I know it must break him seeing how I am right now. And because he cannot be here and live this life, I won’t take it for granted. I want to be my own hero, and also show others to do the same.

It’s easy for me to feel broken, unworthy, and let the waves of grief take over me. What’s not easy is choosing happiness, picking myself up when I feel like I’m drowning, and choosing long term healing over the temporary. But, I know the way for me, and I’m going to focus on getting there.

I’m thankful for the people who keep showing up for me, when I haven’t been myself. I’m thankful for better days. I’m thankful for Cale showing up to remind me of what he sees in me, and what I need to see in myself too. He is with our ultimate Healer, and I know there is a bigger hand in this plan for us. For that, I am the most grateful.

*If you’ve lost someone close to you in your life, listen to The Other Side by Lauren Alaina. It helped inspire me to wake up and write what I did today. Also, Yung Pueblo is a poet & writer who shares a lot of what helps motivate and inspire me daily. Go find him on Facebook and the IG. He will help change your days.

*Photography credit- Jen Cyk Photography http://www.jencyk.com