Hurting

I’ve felt a breakdown looming lately. Instead of it happening all at once, it’s been hitting piece by piece each day. Which I feel like is almost worse. Normally when this happens, I can cry it out, feel my pain, and I try to honor that. Then I feel a new strength come over me and can pick myself back up. This time, it’s different. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is- other than my obvious heartbreak- that’s causing this. The sense of a breakdown, heavy emotion, and the tears just sit there and I feel like at any moment- I’m going to explode. I feel like my light is burning out.

I’m starting to realize what it is. This time last year, I was cuddling a sweet newborn baby. Leaves were changing, holidays coming. It’s my favorite time of year. Cale and I had days home together with me being home from work. We slept in, had family movie nights, stayed up late crying laughing at memes on IG. Woke up dancing to music and making breakfast. Date nights driving with music blaring and windows down, and going home early just to stare at our babies sleeping. I was more in love with my life than ever. WE were more in love than ever.

This year, he’s not with us. He’s buried in the ground and the leaves are changing, and falling on him. My heart is crushed. I’m not the same person I was last year. My newborn is a one year old, who now has to grow up without his daddy. My girls are thinking of Halloween costume ideas, and I’m sitting here thinking about how awful this season already is. The days are becoming shorter, which means the worst part of my day is now longer. And holidays? I truly don’t know how I’m going to get through them. Some of my favorite things are now the things I want to avoid, or skip all together. But I can’t.

A whole other thing- flu season. Cale’s death was ruled “complications of influenza A”. A 26 year old, in his sleep, just slips away- and now we are here. Now I am starting this season, already feeling triggered by things that I cannot control. And I have to worry about my babies, and myself getting the virus that ultimately killed our person. If he wouldn’t have gotten the flu, we wouldn’t be where we are today. That’s heavy for me. This is all out of my control, and for someone who needs to have a plan and things figured out- this not only stresses me, but it hurts. I can’t do a damn thing about it.

I’ve become closer with a friend from a widow’s grief group that I started going to recently. She and I have really good, deep conversations on our grief and what we feel going through this. Something she said to me last week really hit me, and it’s been on my mind ever since. We were talking about how our lives and even the little things like housework- have changed so much since we each lost our husbands. How we used to do all the things, kept things together, and how now- it’s a battle just getting up in the morning and getting our kids to school. Doing the bare minimum is the hardest. She said how if her husband were to walk in their home right now, he would be heartbroken to see that this is how bad she’s hurting. That this is what life looks like now, and that he would be crushed seeing this is how she’s become. As she was saying these words, I lost it. This is exactly how I imagine Cale feeling too. Seeing the person I am today, he would just know how broken I really am.

Cale never let me question what kind of mom I was. He loved seeing me with our kids, me being pregnant, and especially while in labor. He would talk me through the pain and anxiety, and after having each of our babies- he would tell me with tears in his eyes, how strong and brave I was- and how proud he was of me. Wow, I miss those moments. And if he were to talk to me now? I really don’t know what he would say. I should be my strongest right now. At least that’s how I feel like I should be. Being a single mom, I should be showing my kids how to get through this storm. Not by just doing the bare minimum, having a messy house, and barely keeping my head above water. But I should be showing them how I can get through this and become stronger, living how we were before their dad passed away. And I just don’t know how to do it.

I’ve been busy lately, and trying to distract myself from my pain. Has it helped? Maybe. But I think it has hurt me too. Everything hurts lately. I’m trying my hardest to give myself grace. Because that’s exactly what I need. But some days, I feel ashamed of what I have become, and I just cannot find the drive to get through this. People tell me all the time how strong I am, I just wish I saw it too.

Writing helps me. Sometimes I have these thoughts in my head, and it feels like a wave of relief putting them out here. It’s a weight off of my heart. Being this open and vulnerable is incredibly hard. But, I just want to hopefully look back one day and know that these low points were a part of something bigger. I want to journal every part of this so that I know, and my babes can too. One day I won’t be so broken, and until then, this is all a part of our story.

Also, I just really miss my lover. Love you forever, babe.