Lost

My initial goal with this blog was to post a couple times a week. To share what I am feeling, how we’ve been doing, and details of life in between. And to be honest, I was hoping to help someone. I thought that if I am enduring this pain, and surviving, and able to push through- I would want to help someone else do the same. I last launched my blog over a month ago, and here I am writing- not feeling like the same person.

I’ve felt scared to share what I’m feeling. Embarrassed even? Vulnerable. Who I am right now, in this moment, feels very distant from the girl who wrote these first posts. Lately, I’ve felt the urge to write and share how I’ve felt and what I’m experiencing, but I didn’t want to let anyone down. Or to put into words my weakness, because then it feels even more real. But here I am, and I’m doing it, because I know I can’t be alone in this.

Lost is the title of this entry, because that’s exactly what I am. I don’t know what direction I am going in, if any at all. I sometimes feel like my life is just a movie in front of me and I am just kind of standing from a far, watching things happen. Life just doesn’t feel real right now. Of course I know what has happened, and I know that Cale is gone from this life. But there are moments where shock hits me so hard that I literally lose my breath. I feel crazy at times, because I feel like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards and I don’t know how to catch up. The person I was before Cale passed away, is long gone. I am trying so hard to get her back- and I’m slowly realizing that it’s just not going to happen. I am not the same person, and I’m having to accept that, but also find the strength and motivation to become who I want to be.

From social media, others tell me I’m looking happier. That I look like I’m enjoying life and that I must be doing well. I really have had happy days, and I’ve had some really fun experiences lately. Friends and family lifting me up, a couple of little vacations, concerts. I’ve been healthier, lost over 20 pounds, and trying to heal myself from the inside out. These things really have helped me. I have some amazing people in my life and I don’t take them for granted. But, what people don’t see are the days where I struggle. The times that I’m sitting on my shower floor sobbing uncontrollably, showing up to the gym and not able to walk in because I can’t bear seeing a single person, sleepless nights stressing about the littlest and biggest things. Even getting out of bed in the morning and getting my kids to school sometimes feels impossible. I really do feel lost.

I used to be the mom who did all the fun things, celebrated every single milestone, and truly loved every second of it. I was the wife who cooked *almost* every meal, talked to my husband almost all day, and loved nothing more than for him to get home so we could have our time together. Yeah, life was still crazy, but I had my person to do it with. Anyone who knew Cale and I knew that we laughed, played, *fought*, and loved each other hard. He drove me insaaaane at times, and I think I annoyed him sometimes too :) I miss him, and I miss our life almost as much. 

My life now feels so lonely and cold at times. I have my three babies- who give meaning and purpose in my days. But, lately it is overwhelmingly hard to get past the thought of what Cale is missing. What he should be here for, and what we should be doing together. Part of being a parent is enjoying and raising your babes together. And I’m here doing it without him. It sometimes feels unfair. I miss him and I lying in bed watching Netflix, going on our dates to our favorite places, annoying the hell out of each other until we got so mad that we couldn’t help but laugh. I mean I seriously just miss all of it. Living a life without him just hurts. In the deepest way.

The guilt of not being the mom I was, and the emptiness of not being Cale’s wife is heavy. I just don’t feel like the mom that my kids deserve. I don’t even feel like the friend that my friends deserve. I feel like I’m failing people. Overthinking gets the best of me, and I feel so naked emotionally right now that everything hurts. I’m working on these things, and trying my best to overcome what I’m stuck in right now.

All I can think of lately is what I can imagine Cale telling me. He always told me how much he loved me as a mom, and the person I was, and what I could do in life. He seriously believed in me in the realest way. And even though I may not think I’m the same person I was before I lost him, I’m still the one he loved. I will always hold onto that. 

Now, the positive. 

Therapy helps, that’s for sure. My therapist really deserves the world for listening to me and helping me each week. Wow, I love her. I also started group therapy thanks to a friend, and it’s been so healing being able to connect with others going through this too. This club sucks, but the people in it really are amazing. Working out has continued to strengthen me. I started personal training recently, and though my body feels weaaaak and I am probably not the best client, my trainer has helped me emotionally and mentally through our pep talks too. I have the best friends. The calls, texts, time together- they really don’t know how much it helps me. If you’re reading this- I hope you know who you are and that I am thankful. My family & the hunnies- I have a big, blended family and I love it. Group chats, Snapchats, the Facetimes. So much love for every person in my family. My parents for being the parents when I emotionally cannot. As much as I hate to admit my bad mom moments lately, I really am grateful for them being here to support me. Also, just people. People show up when you need them. Some that you barely know, social media friends, neighbors. People have shown up for me and for us- and I honestly appreciate that so much more than I can say. This really is just a giant thank you to the people in my life. Because if it weren’t for them, I don’t know where I would be right now. For someone who feels like their life is constantly on the verge of crashing down, these things have helped rescue me at my weakness and darkest moments. 

I hope this can help someone, somehow. Others have helped me. And I hope to do the same. The hard things we go through aren’t ever pretty, and it sometimes feels unbearable. I’m in that right now. But there’s something about knowing you’re not alone that just really helps.

Here’s to a new week, and hopefully better days.