Healing

One of the biggest parts of my healing has been a journey of self discovery.

I only know the me with Cale. That’s what happens when you fall in love with someone at 18 years old, they’re your actual best friend, they grow with you. You grow together. I only know the me that was in love with him, being loved by him, and living life with him. Part of me died with him. When he passed away, I went through this phase of feeling him very near. I think that’s for a purpose. It’s like he knew I still needed him there, in my deepest and darkest moments. I felt his presence so strongly. One of the hardest truths I have had to face, is that this is not always. It fades at times, gets stronger in others. I pray for this every day. I wish for it. But now I’m left with learning who I am without him here, while still moving forward with him.

Healing happens in many forms for me. Some things that I thought would help, don’t- and other things that I wouldn’t think would help, actually really do. I want to share these things as I move forward, because they might help others too. One of the hardest things I have had to face, is that healing doesn’t come easily or naturally. For me, that is. I’ve had to really work for it. This is a journey. And for someone who likes to have things planned and figured out- this has been a huge awakening for me. I’ve had to accept that I can’t fix myself overnight, and it doesn’t just happen by me sitting around thinking happy thoughts either. It’s hard work getting up, doing your day the best way you can, and just being “okay” for others. You can read all the books, google all the things, and talk to anyone going through this- and the biggest truth bomb out there is that there is no guide for it. It’s all on you. YOU have to figure it out. The tools for sure help- but at the end of the day, you can only rely on yourself. That’s the first thing I had to tell myself- I can do this, and I will.

I remember watching sad movies before this, and you see death, and you see the loved ones sobbing in bed and doing nothing. Just grieving. This wasn’t me, and for the longest time I wished I could do that. But my heart was racing, pounding even- for weeks. Still does sometimes. I couldn’t sit still for almost two months. I would wake up, get my babes in the car, and GO all day long. Drive places, go on day trips, go to Target. All of it. I couldn’t be home. It hurt to be still, and it gave me the worst anxiety just sitting and focusing on the fact that my heart might actually stop from the pain of missing him. After a solid two months of doing this every single day, I realized I had to do something different. I was over-stimulating myself and my kids. It was exhausting being on the go all the time, and truly I was just running away from my feelings. I had to figure this out.

So, instead of just trying to be busy every second, I started focusing on routine. That was my goal, to get a new routine in place. To feel a sense of normalcy. Being a control freak, this was something I knew would comfort me. So I started by small to-do lists on my phone. The feeling of accomplishment was helping me. Then I started making goal lists. The things I knew I wanted to do, wanted to be, things that Cale and I wanted to do together. Instead of living each day up in the air, I wanted to feel purpose. I still struggle deeply with this, but I make it my priority to feel purpose in my days. Some days, that means I’m just being the best mom I can be in that moment. Other days, it’s writing, or doing a hike. This led me to my next goal- whole health. Because Cale died from complications of Influenza A, I have been terrified of illness, and been overly concerned about my health. It’s an actual anxiety issue for me now. I started paying close attention to what I do to my body.

I started by simply working out. You hear about endorphins and the “high” you get from exercise. I wasn’t buying it at first. I was out of shape from having Ledger, and from just running myself into the ground for months. I really hadn’t been taking care of myself. I finally made the decision to change this. I had to push myself to do something about it. Working out was the last thing I wanted to do, and I dreaded it at first. But slowly, I started noticing a difference. I first noticed that my mind was a little calmer and I was able to exert enough positive energy that I would start to sleep a little better. It has been an absolute game changer - and along with physically feeling and looking better- mentally, I feel stronger. I crave it every day now, which was not at all the old me.

There are so may parts to healing- and my way is not “the” way. It’s absolutely different for every person. I’m just going to start sharing what helps me, in hopes that maybe it could help others too. I’ve learned that there is not a perfect way to grieve, there is no miraculous way to heal overnight, and I’ve also learned not to judge. My way of grieving and healing is not always going to be the same as others- and that is OKAY. This will be something that I will have to work on and focus on for the rest of my life. Truthfully, I don’t know if I will ever feel healed. I don’t know if “time heals” like people have told me. I don’t even know if I am doing this right at all, and that’s where I have had to give myself grace, and to learn to be gentle as I move forward. This is a never-ending journey. But also one that I won’t allow myself to give up on.