Life Lately

Where to even begin. The last post I wrote was in mid-November. Honestly, I read my letter to him, and I cry not only because I feel those things so deeply in my soul, but because I remember exactly what I was feeling in those moments and I’m just grateful that today- in this very moment- I am not in the oblivion of grief that I was in that night, and in others. 

I write when I feel it, when I need to, and when I know that it is healing. I don’t plan out my day and plan to sob and write my heart out. Although, I know I should prioritize writing more. I feel like besides therapy, this is where I heal. This is where my brokenness feels more whole. Where my thoughts, memories, and feelings are made into something more collected. It’s my own beautiful mess.

Since mid-November: I have turned 28, experienced illnesses in our home (triggering beyond belief), conquered our first dreaded holidays without Cale, watched my year of hell pass, as we entered into our first year without him. I have progressed & then regressed, and I’ve been continually working on myself.

Holidays. Thanksgiving kicked me in the gut. Didn’t expect it would be as hard as it was- but then I guess that’s one of the many things I have learned from grief, too. Some things hit and hit hard, and others that you are expecting to be the most painful, sometimes hurt a little less. It’s almost like the anticipation takes the edge off, and once you get there, you don’t feel it as rawly. Each of us in our home were sick for about three weeks. Ledger was in the hospital for 3 days. Triggers, man. They are everywhere. But we got through it. Christmas. I was expecting it to be miserable, anxiously awaiting the day. I fully expected a mental breakdown, but luckily (ha) it came a couple days earlier. Maybe that was on purpose so that I would be more present on Christmas Day with my babes. And I was. It was a beautiful day. Strangers, friends, family - everyone swooped in and carried us. Our broken hearts and souls were mended together for the day. And we felt the love and comfort. Soup for the freakin soul. New Years. H O L Y hell. Hit me the hardest, and unexpectedly, too. New Years was our annual date night. We have some of our BEST memories together on NYE. As New Years crept up, I could feel the sadness and loneliness starting to create those monstrous waves of grief that I know all too well. And they swallowed me whole. I guess I didn’t even really think of the deeper reasons why, but now that I look back, it’s because everyone celebrates the New Year and the possibilities that it brings. Celebrating the past year, and all of the highs and lows. Well, 2019 was my own personal hell. It was the year that changed me forever, changed my family forever, and entering into 2020, our first year without Cale- I felt that deeply. So much so, that it made me sick. It took a good week or so to get through the hangover emotions. So very real, and so very heavy.

Now, it’s January 29th. It feels like January has been 3 months long, but it’s fine. I’ve pulled myself together. I put off my “resolutions” for so long, because honestly- my goal for the year was to survive. Instead of resolutions, I came up with words that I wanted to focus on. Intention and Gratitude. They are written in my journal, on my mirror, and honestly- they are in front of my face every day. 

I see gratitude in my every minute. My heart is beating, when there have been days where I thought it would stop from the pain. My kids- they are healthy (despite the illnesses we fought and conquered in December- thank you, Lord). We have a beautiful home. It doesn’t have to be beautiful, big, or full of things for you to be grateful for it. I would be just as grateful for a box that fit my family. Just a place where we are safe from the outside world, and a place that we can heal, love, and be with one another. I am extra grateful though, that it’s the one Cale and I built together. I am grateful for the friends, family, and supporters of all kinds in my life today. There are too many to list. But they know who they are. Even the strangers that follow along our beautiful & crazy life, I’m thankful for them too. For the record- I am the absolute worst at responding to texts and calls. But just know that every single one of them is noticed and appreciated. I’m overwhelmed with the love and comfort I feel from those around me. I’m grateful for sunny days, where the warmth of the sun wraps around me just like Cale did. Gratitude can be found in the littlest of things. And it’s honestly the little things that we take for granted. Notice those things, hold onto them, and don’t let them go. That goes for experiences, people in your life, everything. 

Intention. This one takes effort. It takes learning and growth. I work on this every day. And some days I am better at it than others. The meaning behind intention for me is, being more mindful of who I am spending my time with, focusing my energy on, and the things that I do daily. I stress easily, overthink everything, and often get so overwhelmed feeling like I need to be doing all.the.things, and all of the time. I have friends who joke with me about this daily. And it’s not always because I feel obligated, but also because I just love the people in my life so much so that I feel like I always need to be the one helping and doing. Then I end up filling other’s cups when I have nothing in my own. So, this is where intention comes in. I am trying daily, to do things that fill MY cup, so that I can in turn, fill other’s. Whether it is being intentional in how I start my day, who I am spending time with, and the things that I am doing- that ultimately will better me. I want to be a better mom, a better friend, sister, daughter. I want to be better for myself. Funny enough, one of the definitions of intention is “the healing process of a wound”. I am a wound being healed. Literally and figuratively. I have a list of things that I would love to do every day, and things that I want to accomplish. But, my control-freak self is learning to take one thing at a time. I want to be stronger, I want to heal. I’m just striving to do things that support me in this.

Today. Today is a good day. And these good days come, and the bad days do too. I’m living through it all. Also learning to appreciate it all. Sure, there are things that could be better- and there are things that are still stressful and heavy. But, overall, I am just thankful for a beating heart, beautiful babes, and the light that is shining at the end of our tunnel. I’m learning. We all are. We are learning to ride the waves of grief, to celebrate the wins in the calm of it all, and how to live. I’m thankful for days like today, where I can reflect and appreciate the road I’ve been on. I hate that we’ve lost Cale in this life. I say it that way, because he’s not really “lost”. He’s not here with us, but we know where he is. He lives still, just not here. We feel him, we love him and he’s a part of our life forever and ever. He was my person, the best daddy, our everything. But we have to get through this and live, because he doesn’t get to. 

I look back on my posts before, and I’m proud of myself. It hurts to read my thoughts and feelings where I was lost and broken. I still have those days, but overall I have grown so much. This road has been hell, and it’s anything but easy. I have a hard time giving myself credit. I’m insecure, I am flawed, and there are a lot of things that I am working on. But I also know my worth. I know who loves me, who lifts me, and I’m beginning to see that I didn’t lose all of myself. I’m here, and I’m figuring it out. I know, without a doubt, that if I had the chance to talk to Cale in this moment, he would be my cheerleader like he always has been. He knows me, he loves me, and he’s proud.

This post really is one big word vomit session, but that’s what I get for putting off writing for so long. I keep this for me, but also like to share for others. I want to look back and read this, and know that I got through my own hell. That the deep, dark places come, but they also pass. There are good days ahead. I want others to know that, too. 

“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise” —Victor Hugo 

This is a quote from Les Miserables, and this quote was framed right next to the bed that Cale fell asleep on as he passed away. I realized this later, one night while I was lying there, crying. Such a metaphor for life, and also such a reminder. 

If you’re hurting, healing, or just have any encouragement of your own- share here, for myself and others to see. If there’s anything I’ve learned through this all- it’s that there is something about knowing you’re not alone, that gives you the hope and strength you need to get through. Connection is power.

xx, allie