Here & Now

Hiii, we’re here.

The past couple of months have felt like a transformation for me, and for us. I have accomplished so much since January. Things that I wasn’t sure I would be able to. Then, we hit the one year anniversary of losing Cale, and our world crashed down a bit again. Buuut, we’re coming back, and right now- I am okay. We all are. And that feels incredible to say.

I am looking back on this last year, and I am so damn proud of myself. I'm proud of us all.

I remember the moment I had to tell Laroux that her dad wasn’t going to wake up. Devastation. Probably the next hardest moment of my life besides finding him. The strength I had to muster, and tears just streaming down my face, as she asked me all of the questions I was wondering myself. How were we going to live without him, why this happened, were we going to be okay. Truthfully, I felt like I was lying to her when I told her that we would be. Now I look back, and I am so grateful to say that we are okay. Our world is slowly turning from surviving, to thriving. To think we came from such a deep and dark place, and to see where we are now.. I am just in awe. I think Cale is, too.

Laroux is my little me, in a clone of her daddy, and so much more. Empathetic, loving, affectionate, full of laughter, brilliant, wise beyond her years. She has helped me in moments that I couldn’t help myself. She has held my hand as I’ve broken down, held back my hair as I was sick with anxiety, washed the dishes whenever she sees I need help. I can’t wait to tell her all the ways she filled me up when I was empty. She is magic, in the most beautiful way.

Lola and Ledger, my little babies it still feels like. Ledger was 6 months old and Lola was just over 2 when we lost him. Lola was not even able to speak much, but would still run down the halls calling his name. Ledger has learned that the cemetery is where we visit his Dadda. They both have grown so much, and fill me with so much love. Lola's suspicious smile, her raspy voice, the way she lives so freely. Ledger's big beautiful eyes, the way he lays his head on me, his ability to light up a room. These are things I wish so badly that Cale could experience with us here. 

I’m happy to say that I feel like I’m coming back. As time moves forward, I don’t think that it “heals all wounds” completely like people tell me. But I do think time does allow healing, and growth even more so. I have learned so much about myself, even the uncomfy things. My weaknesses, strengths, and how to sit with it all. I’m learning what it means to have grace, with myself and with others. I still feel broken at times, but in others I feel so strong. It feels good to hear myself laugh, and to feel such pure happiness in moments. There were times when I thought I would never be able to feel that again. I’m feeling like I have purpose. I’m back to work as a Realtor again, which was a huge feat in itself. I’m back to cooking all of the time (bless, for real). And thanks to quarantine life, I’m forced to rely on myself more than my resources for deep cleaning and laundry (lolll). In all seriousness, wow, I’m just thankful to feel like I am livinggg again.

Routine has changed around here, and that’s okay. We are used to rolling with whatever comes our way. We live an unconventional life, and finding the humor in this all is sometimes what we need to get through the tough days. Cemetery trips to visit our favorite, morning dance parties, mid-day trips to Target, and catching a sunset are our favorite things to do lately. It’s actually the best. And the people who roll with us in this craziiiiness are too (shout out to our crew, XO)

We’ve fallen, gotten back up, been kicked down, and risen again. I feel like it will forever be that way. But, despite everything that’s happened to us and around us, we are becoming resilient. Healing will take time, and I’m not sure we can ever be fully healed from this. But our strength is rooted deep, and I know we have our person pulling for us on the other side. We have our faith, our family, and friends. We’ve learned to make gratitude the theme of our days. We are finding our place in this chaotic but beautiful world. We’re gonna make it and live this life, because Cale doesn’t get to. 

I can’t wait to look back and see all that my babes and I made it through, and all the ways that we survived, despite enduring such an incredible loss. And I dream of the day when we are reunited with him, where he can tell us that he saw it too.

We’re gonna thug it out til the very end.

xx, allie