Begin Again

Aaaaand we’re back.

The last time I posted was just over the one year mark of Cale’s death, and here we are at the two year anniversary next week. Although I have been keeping entries for myself, it feels like time to share some of it here.

As the world has faced a period of actual insanity, my life had already been in that state for just exactly a year when everything started last March. I had been living in the thick of grief and my own personal hell- and one that I was not happy or okay with. I was making decisions that weren’t the most ideal, and basically distracting and running from myself. Quarantine started, and it forced me to slow down, to sit with things, to change my habits. I had been praying for change, change of my heart and mind, for doors to be opened and closed, for inspiration and motivation to pick up where I had left off- or start where I knew I needed to be found.

The past year has been one of new beginnings for me. I’ve lost and found myself over and over, I’ve started and stopped. I’ve progressed, then regressed, and back again. It’s been ever-changing for me, but in ways that I have needed most. I’ve lost friendships and relationships, and have gained new ones. I’ve met people who have changed me for the better, and have experienced hurt as well. I’ve had experiences that have shown me that there are parts of me I wasn’t familiar with, or even knew. I’ve found a new level of perseverance despite this all.

There have been lessons learned, conversations with strangers, and with those closest to me. Epiphanies that have changed my perspective and pushed me to make radical changes. Moments of prayer, and deep reflection that have brought me here. Here are some things that I’ve learned, and still learning. Things that I hope anyone can resonate with.

Connection is power. There was video that a friend sent me last year, and it was a woman speaking who had experienced the death of her toddler. In the talk, she explains that she wasn’t even able to speak of her child and share their story for a period of time. But that through experiences, she learned that connection with people and sharing theirs was changing for her. This hit me. Anyone can resonate with this, with just about any traumatic or heavy experience. Meeting others who have lost, and sharing thoughts and experiences with the world- in hopes to help others along the way, is the most powerful. Without the human experience, but also connection throughout it all- life would not be what it was created to be. We find inspiration from others, knowledge, and power. Share your highs and lows, be open with people. You never know who you are helping, and learning from in the process. It’s the conversations with strangers on a plane, random friends you meet along the way, or even people who have always been there. These are the ones and the conversations that change you.

Hitting rock bottom will inspire you to your core- if you let it. It’s been in my darkest and lowest of days, that I have had the little fires within me lit and burn, and push me to making the moves that I have. In my hardest of days, and through prayer, meditation, and deep self learning- I have had moments of clarity and breakthroughs that have taken me places. This takes work, and effort. It takes pulling yourself out of the darkness, and picking yourself back up. And although others can help and support you, no one else can do it for you. But once you’re out, you have a new found strength from it all. Let this move you. 

You can be hurt on top of your existing hurt. Shortly after Cale died, I remember thinking I was almost invincible, and had this “I’ve already been hurt and lost in the absolute worst way, so nothing else can touch me” perspective. Not true. Although going through something incredibly traumatic and losing just about the closest person to you, things still hurt. They always will. And for me, it can be to a higher degree, because it is salt in a wound. I’ve thought about this often, and I sometimes wish that I was less sensitive and could close myself off and guard my heart to protect myself. But, ultimately I would rather feel too much than to not feel easily. This leads me into my next. 

Hurt people, hurt people. Be the opposite. We all know people who have been through loss and through trying times. And some become hardened. They find it impossible to be happy, and in turn, they want others around them to sit in that too. People who have been through the worst, and who have every reason to be hurt and burned from it all. But they chose to live in that forever, and it shows. You’ll notice they lose more people and opportunities over time. It’s the people who have been through that same loss- and they make it a point to be kind. They chose happiness and positivity over and over again. These are the people. The ones who motivate you, and seeing them succeed and pushing through brings a healing unlike any other. Be one of those. Be one who can lose and who can hurt- but then show love and kindness to those around them. It’s those people who will not only go far, but will show others how to do the same.

“He is for you”- An excerpt from the song, The Blessing, and one that’s been powerful for me.

You are who you surround yourself with. The greats have said it best. But I have found so much truth to this, and it’s helped me in more ways than one. Choose people who will ride the highs and lows with you, but won’t let you stay in either. Who will consistently motivate you and push you to be what you want to be. And sometimes past that. People who ignite that inner fire, and who are authentic and real. I’ve found some of these people, and they have been the most influential for me. Hanging around those who bring the stress of needing to be more, or bringing you to places of questioning and worry. Those aren’t it. They never will be. And not that those people are necessarily bad people, but they aren’t for you. And that’s okkkkk.

You’re never too little, too much, or too anything for the ones who are meant for you and your life. Friends, relationships, those closest to you, and those who you wish would stick around. I’ve often thought about things I should have said, or shouldn’t have. Things I wish I had done, but didn’t, and vice versa. So much time is spent overthinking and acting on the ideals of other people and what they think of you. As an almost thirty year old, you would thinkkkk I would have this figured out. It took losing the person closest to me, to make me the most vulnerable and to have re-learn this, but over and over again. Over time, I have learned that the parts of me I used to despise, are now things I am learning to appreciate about myself. I am still experiencing this. The comparison of myself to others, and what wish I was less and more of. At the end of the day, you’re everything to your people- and they are everything to you. You show up for each other, and it’s just easy. That’s how it should be. 

Gratitude is the secret to life. Always, always will be. Feeling it, showing it, embracing it. Again, the dark and low times are the times where it feels almost impossible to do this. It takes intention and practice, but once you achieve it- it changes you. Practicing this day and and day out. Highs and lows. It’s cliché, honestly, but important nevertheless. The breath you breathe, the people around you, your home, the sun, absolutely anything. You can find this in the smallest and largest of things in life. The act of gratitude, appreciating the good and the light in life, and making that the theme of your days is what will change your life, forever. 

These are little things, amongst many more, that I’ve learned along the way. Sitting in the suck of it all, but then picking up and pushing through to chase the happiness. I’ve found some of that. And this is just a piece of how I got there. I’m proud of myself and where I am in this moment. It took losing the closest people and things I’ve had and loved, for me to appreciate the highs and lows, and to learn just who I am and who I am working to be. Seeing the doors I’ve prayed for, opened- and doors closed, when I had questioned why. It’s ever-changing and the ride never stops. I still struggle, and I’m still learning. It’s all the process of growth and change that you’ll ebb and flow into who and where you need to be. Learn to embrace the changes, the falls, the lows of life. Make those your most powerful days, because they will be if you let them. And then you’ll be even more grateful for the highs, knowing where you came from. 

xx, allie