gratitude

It’s been a while since I’ve shared deeper parts of me, and for various reasons, but mostly out of fear. Something I’ve wanted to commit more to is sharing not only for others, but for myself- how I got to this place. The word grateful can seem over-used, but there really isn’t another way for me to express it. 

I first started sharing our story shortly after Cale died, because I knew I needed to be open about it- I was lost in so many ways. But there also was a sense of direction, and I knew that this was something I needed to share openly about. I spent almost 10 crazy, beautiful, and impactful years with Cale. And I was walking into a part of life I never wanted or envisioned without him. After searching for answers and experiences from others who had experienced a similar loss, I felt that by sharing mine, maybe I could help just one person who ever had to go through a loss like our own. 

Since starting this blog, people from literally all over the world and all walks of life, have reached out- and in ways, that alone has helped heal me. Knowing there are others who have been through similar, and worse, and somehow we are connected by it all. I say it all the time, but the power of connection really is incredible. I have always strived to be real and raw to the best of my ability. The responses have been overwhelming in so many ways to me. Some encouraging and so pure, and there’s been judgement passed as well. This is where fear had set in. I’ve gotten to a place now where I am choosing to push past it.

Over time, I’d like to share more about the dark times and how/why I came through it. There were some days I wasn’t sure I could continue breathing, and times where I felt so embarrassed and disappointed in myself. And although they don’t occur as often now, I still have them. But that’s where immense gratitude comes in. I would have never made it here and where I am today without those days, those feelings, and the lowest points of my life. I would have never implemented change, or felt uncomfortable enough to stop and accept what I was doing. The thankfulness I have for my faith, specific people in my life, even my deeply rooted pain- is endless. These things, along with a lot of inner work and lifestyle changes, have gotten me to this point. I feel genuine happiness, I have felt love in different ways, I have felt motivation enough to start my business that I have always dreamt about. The lessons learned, the ups and downs, all of it has gotten me here. And they will continue to shape me. Life is ever-changing, and it’s navigating through the wins and losses, as well as the highs and lows. This is something I feel that anyone can take from what I’m sharing. You’re never too far gone, too in-deep, too damaged. You might lose friends, opportunities might change, others may disapprove- but ultimately if you do the work, lean into your faith, and make gratitude the theme of your days, you can’t ever lose. I’ve lost friends, and I’ve gained new ones. I’ve given up, but then had to get right back up again. There is not another option for me, other than to push myself to where I know we need to be. 

There are people in my life now that I can’t imagine not having met, and experiences I knew I would have never had if I hadn’t healed and grown in these ways. I can only look back now and be so grateful. Even from my mistakes. This has all brought me here.

For others, it can sound weird for me to say that I’m happy, grateful, inspired after such a tragedy and immeasurable loss, and it can be hard for me even to explain. I just know from deep within me that if this had to happen in our life, I needed to not only learn from it, but make something from it. There is such a powerful sense of peace that comes from acceptance and healing, and I have felt that. I have intentionally worked to become stronger in my faith and spirituality, tried all sorts of therapy, and these are things I’d like to share more about in detail as well.

Ultimately, healing takes place in so many ways. You find your own way, and this is my own. But what I can say with certainty, is that there are ways to feel happiness and peace even through loss and the darkness throughout life. For me, it all starts with gratitude.

I guess there isn’t really an exact place to start when I get questions about our life now, but I’d like to open this up more and answer or speak on things people have curiosity about or would like insight on. This is where I’d like to welcome advice, questions, all of it. After over two years of navigating through only-parenting, starting a business, working through life changes- things are constantly changing but we’ve also found our way. It’s chaotic, no doubt, but it’s us.