redirection

“Recovering is a return. Healing is a rebirth.”

-Brianna Wiest

These words inspired me today. As this year marks three years since our loss, I’ve been going through a period of deep reflection and what it’s been for us all. I’ve come to learn that time is just a concept, relationships are ever-changing, and making your purpose your driving force is really what carries you through it all.

This space was originally meant to be a space for me to journal openly, and to share the brutal and honest truth of loss and what life is afterwards. For a while, my life was centered around grief, and the hole that once was filled by Cale felt like a deep wound that could never be healed. I look back at my first entries, and although I feel those moments engrained in me deeply, I also feel as if I am a different person now. I had to become someone else to survive this, and right now, I have little regret in how I chose to repair. It brought me here. The vulnerability in my early posts was so very real, and seeing where I am now is a testament of my growth. I’m here to say that we’re healing, and although Cale will always be a part of everything we do and a constant in my life going forward, we are getting places- and I have immense gratitude for that. I know that he does too. 

Recovering is a return. Doing the work, getting through the milestones, progress in the little things- it all adds up. It’s a return to life, it’s refreshing, and most of all.. rewarding. At first it was just getting through “minute by minute” then “hour by hour”, and now here I am, looking back in awe of what we’ve done and how we are here now. 

Healing is a rebirth. The words are just as powerful as the meaning. Healing- the goal from the beginning, and something I have prayed for every single day for almost the entirety of three years. I’ve thought about what healing means to me, as I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I once prayed for a healing that would bring me rebirth, but it was my rebirth that brought me healing. The constant battle of choosing gratitude over sorrow and mourning. Fighting anxiety with prayer. Choosing to end relationships to protect your peace. Putting yourself before others, but then giving without receiving. I’ve learned so many lessons, some the hard way. Others through more pain. Trusting that sometimes closed doors are a means of protection, and others opened are a forced direction in the path more meaningful. 

All of this to say- I am in a new period of redirection. I no longer want to live in a place where loss defines us. Healing, through the power of my faith, grace given to me, and by choosing life over loss- gives us the ability to break any chain of despair and grief. The feelings will still be there- they come and they go- but once you master how to defeat them, you know you’re on the right path. The day that Cale died, was also the day we chose life after death. And I want to live by that. 

This will be a turning point for me, where this space becomes more relevant to our life today, while still honoring our life before. I’ve learned from and looked up to those who share it all, unwavering in their beliefs and who live in alignment with their truth- and I want to be more of that. As I build my business, Homey, and as I enter the realm of dating, continue the journey of only-parenting, I want to be open about all of it. These things are my life now, and as I was authentic in sharing our beginning days of grief, I owe it to myself and my truth to share things as they are now. 

I have big dreams, ideas I want to chase, a life I am building- and one that I feel was meant for us. Just as I know I had to become who I am now to withstand this battle, I also know that there is a life beyond loss and pain, that is full of things promised and given to those who work and fight for it. That’s where we’re going.