I once prayed for a healing that would bring me rebirth, but it was my rebirth that brought me healing.
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It’s been a while since I’ve shared deeper parts of me, and for various reasons, but mostly out of fear. Something I’ve wanted to commit more to is sharing not only for others, but for myself- how I got to this place. The word grateful can seem over-used, but there really isn’t another way for me to express it.
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Aaaaand we’re back.
The last time I posted was just over the one year mark of Cale’s death, and here we are at the two year anniversary next week. Although I have been keeping entries for myself, it feels like time to share some of it here.
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The past couple of months have felt like a transformation for me, and for us. I have accomplished so much since January. Things that I wasn’t sure I would be able to. Then, we hit the one year anniversary of losing Cale, and our world crashed down a bit again. But, we’re coming back, and right now- I am okay. We all are. And that feels incredible to say.
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Where to even begin. The last post I wrote was in mid-November. Honestly, I read my letter to him, and I cry not only because I feel those things so deeply in my soul, but because I remember exactly what I was feeling in those moments and I’m just grateful that today- in this very moment- I am not in the oblivion of grief that I was in that night, and in others.
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I pray every day, I talk to you at your grave. I wrote this, so I can always remember. This is my letter for you.
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Time has been a weird concept for me lately. It feels like it’s been 3 years since I’ve talked to Cale, held his hands, and seen his perfect face. It also feels like it was just yesterday that I felt his warmth on the other side of our bed, heard him whistling as he gets ready for work, and had him sneak up and hug me from behind as I’m making dinner.
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I hadn’t dreamt of Cale since June 1st. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to share what this dream was, and what it meant to me. But I just know I will never forget it.
Two nights ago, I not only dreamt of him again, but I woke up feeling like he had just left the room. Just like it used to be, when he would kiss me goodbye while I was half awake early in the morning, before he would leave for work. It felt like he had just been with me all night.
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I’ve felt a breakdown looming lately. Instead of it happening all at once, it’s been hitting piece by piece each day. Which I feel like is almost worse. Normally when this happens, I can cry it out, feel my pain, and I try to honor that. Then I feel a new strength come over me and can pick myself back up. This time, it’s different.
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My initial goal with this blog was to post a couple times a week. To share what I am feeling, how we’ve been doing, and details of life in between. And to be honest, I was hoping to help someone. I thought that if I am enduring this pain, and surviving, and able to push through- I would want to help someone else do the same. I last launched my blog over a month ago, and here I am writing- not feeling like the same person.
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My purpose in sharing our story, is so that I may be able give insight into our life. Before & after we lost Cale. He is a part of every aspect of our life forever. Even more so now. I also want to answer to some of the curiosity of what happened to him. To share the intense details so that you can truly understand our journey, and our faith as well….
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The first days without him meant so much to me, even through my deep pain. You could say I was in shock, and I actually was- but there were things happened in those first few days that comforted me, and saved me during my darkest moments.
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One of the biggest parts of my healing has been a journey of self discovery. I only know the me with Cale.That’s what happens when you fall in love with someone at 18, they’re your actual best friend, they grow with you. You grow together. I only know the me that was in love with him, being loved by him, and living life with him. When he passed away…
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